Thursday, September 4, 2014

How to Sell Nude Paintings at Your Next Garage Sale

 1. Have at least one nude painting. I had three nude paintings,  all left over from my college art class days. Your paintings may be nude self portraits, and that's OKAY.

2. Make a conscious decision that you will never hang these paintings in your house. If you've had them for 20 years and you've never used them to decorate, this will be an easy decision. If you just painted your nude self portraits last night, and you can't wait to share them with the world, that's OKAY too.

3. Strategically place paintings away from the main area of your sale. It's impolite to casually mix nude women with broken blenders and your dog's old Halloween costumes. You need an X-Rated section. 

4. Scout out your customers. The Quaker women in long dresses and the neighbor's children may not be the right clientele for what you're peddling. What you need is some hipsters, hippies, or perverts.

5. Zero in on a middle-aged hippie couple sifting through a box of old paint brushes. Usher them into your X-Rated lair.


6.  Listen to the hippies tell you about their love of painting rainbows and pit bulls. They are searching for canvases. Wow, this is their lucky day! Awkwardly tell them that these are NOT self portraits. Sell your nudes for .25 cents each. Soon they will be painted over, living under a layer of windmills and sunsets.

7. Say goodbye to your naked ladies forever. Cry about it. Question the meaning of life. Shut down the garage sale and tell your remaining customers to, "GET LOST CRACKHEADS!"  Take your .75 cents and buy a Snickers bar at the gas station.