Thursday, September 4, 2014

How to Sell Nude Paintings at Your Next Garage Sale

 1. Have at least one nude painting. I had three nude paintings,  all left over from my college art class days. Your paintings may be nude self portraits, and that's OKAY.

2. Make a conscious decision that you will never hang these paintings in your house. If you've had them for 20 years and you've never used them to decorate, this will be an easy decision. If you just painted your nude self portraits last night, and you can't wait to share them with the world, that's OKAY too.

3. Strategically place paintings away from the main area of your sale. It's impolite to casually mix nude women with broken blenders and your dog's old Halloween costumes. You need an X-Rated section. 

4. Scout out your customers. The Quaker women in long dresses and the neighbor's children may not be the right clientele for what you're peddling. What you need is some hipsters, hippies, or perverts.

5. Zero in on a middle-aged hippie couple sifting through a box of old paint brushes. Usher them into your X-Rated lair.

6.  Listen to the hippies tell you about their love of painting rainbows and pit bulls. They are searching for canvases. Wow, this is their lucky day! Awkwardly tell them that these are NOT self portraits. Sell your nudes for .25 cents each. Soon they will be painted over, living under a layer of windmills and sunsets.

7. Say goodbye to your naked ladies forever. Cry about it. Question the meaning of life. Shut down the garage sale and tell your remaining customers to, "GET LOST CRACKHEADS!"  Take your .75 cents and buy a Snickers bar at the gas station.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Do You Poop?

My latest book is now available on Amazon. This is my first children's book--all about the joys of potty training. Thank you to Izzy Bean for her wonderful illustrations.

When he is older, Jack will probably be horrified that I used his name in the book. I questioned whether or not I should. But, right now he loves it. He is in love with the book, wants it read to him frequently, and he enjoys reading it to himself. It makes me happy to have completed the project, and to see how happy the book has made him.

Amazon: Do You Poop?

Thursday, July 3, 2014

June: A Month in Photos

I had a birthday, and ended the night karaoking to "Ice Ice Baby." No one clapped.

I rode on a little train, ten times in a row. Jack loves the train.

We visited Big Brutus. I'm still not sure what Big Brutus is, even though I read   multiple brochures. It is...BIG.

These are humans inside Brutus' shovel.

I went roller skating. "Ice Ice Baby" was playing. No one asked me to couple skate.

Happy 4th of July! I suggest buying 100 boxes of snakes, stacking the little black pellets into a nice pile, and lighting it. BIG snake.

Friday, May 16, 2014

Movable Art

It's been almost a year since we stayed at 21c Museum Hotel in Bentonville, Arkansas. The first floor of the hotel is an art museum and hip restaurant. One of the exhibits consists of movable art, green penguins, to be exact. The penguins are plastic and approximately four feet tall. I think you're supposed to move the penguins from exhibit room to exhibit room, and maybe the elevator. We brought a penguin upstairs to our room.

First he relieved himself.
Then he robbed the minibar and got totally wasted.

Finally, fed up, we said, "Take your umbrella and get out of here!"

The next morning we found multiple green penguins in the hallway. Other people had abused penguins. We were unoriginal.

I can't wait to go back.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Week In Photos

 I filled my car full of free hamsters, and then I drove to a field and set them free. Free the hamsters.

 Jack turned three and had a Curious George party.

 Pretty junker, somewhere Oklahoma.

Inn at Price Tower lobby, Bartlesville, Oklahoma.

 Price Tower, Bartlesville, Oklahoma. Designed by Frank Lloyd Wright, and his only skyscraper, that was actually built.

Donuts and Tacos, Nowata, Oklahoma.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Weekend Photos

Little House on the Prairie. Laura Ingalls Wilder lived here. This is going to be great!

This sod house is awesome. Wait, is it my nap time? ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Saddle up the horses Pa, ZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Post Office, Little House on the Prairie. This is when they came and told us that the area was under a Tornado Watch and that we should leave. No, no, no. We are not taking naps and we are not leaving the premises.

Peru, Kansas cemetery. I've added filter ghosts.